An Abhorrent Love

By: Cheyenne Morton

Lo and behold his beckoning calls that churned inside my body and made me ache to see his face in front of mine.

How mystical are the moments that seem to pass with no glory and retribution

Appalled-- I reckon with the memories of his shining in my mind

I can’t escape that void of memories for their propelling nature is of happenance

Inescapable and clandestine

He’d silence me on these nights when utterance would compel me to stray away from my normal lackluster desires

He would normalize the sins that repeatedly created nothing but holes inside my body

The wounds were too deep to surmise and I could only vanquish a few out of the sights of others

He crept with desire and he was firm in his actions

I could almost admire his species

He was impossible to betray, to neglect

And he missed all virtues short of savage and irreverent

Like a passion unwilling to die, he’d forever charge me duly with no reasoning to why

I was always skeptical, but in my remiss design to allow him to enter slow, I lost control

And so the steering wheel would forever belong to him

I was devoted to his cause, though I claimed solitude

I was always brought home to the master that dwelled

I began to grow impatient of his fortitude for his claims could only hold so harsh a grip on my restless soul

I became disinfatuated and hardly the type to follow a guide sent to represent evil

He manifested a growth within me and the startling presence started to escape itself

I lost all feeling and became a floating soul awakened by the light of day, yet undermined by the pleasure of darkness

I could not anchor his feelings of retribution and guilt to my heart any longer

It was a sweeter taste of freedom that threw off the gilded disguise and made me aim toward the pillars of the saints

He would of course make me pay for this awakening

But I was in no rush to fight him on virtues and evil castings

My arrows would always miss their target for his claim was too broad and ever changing

By minuscule moments, I’d find his fiery heart, undiluted and alone

It was in these sacred time frames that I had a connective feeling

For once I could reason with him and talk him down from his great and horrible stature

Other than in that brief window, he’d reduce me to ashes and claim his prize as I always was

He strived to keep me calling his name and day brought new arrivals of lustful reaching

Eventually I walked alone, the sun had risen high in the sky and made everything around me sparkle and shine as if it was personally blessed by the gods

He was not around to blockade my path or mellow my mood

His call couldn’t be heard and there was no tremble within the earth that baited my heart

I was alone with the world

I continued along the bright road, hoping for a soon coming destination, it had been a sickening journey thus far and I could use the break

I finally came to a boulder and heaved myself onto its smooth surface to stand over the world and view where I had come from and where I might go

In this moment I smelt his arrival

The grass turned a harsh brown and the clarity of the sky became muddied and impossible to look at

He created deep cracks in my smooth boulder and caused me to tumble down off it, onto the rocky ground below

I knelt beneath him with bloodied elbows and knees but I looked right into his eyes, no matter

He viewed me with hatred

I’d been gone too long

He had suffered from that

I laughed aloud at his dependency

I had always been the fool but now here he was, aching for my presence

Pleading with me to take his hand, to fall into his sweet world of manipulation and violation

I wouldn’t take it this time, I had seen how beautiful the green grass was again

I had been reminded of how the sun would shine and make the whole world glow

He had made a mistake, I had seen freedom, felt it, without any lies to block my view

And I would never go back

He shook the earth and writhed my neck in his hands viscously

I wanted to shout from the pain but I didn’t think he deserved the holler

It was all love to him

He dropped me roughly and I gasped for air

I caught a fleeting glimpse of death between breaths, it was simple, unlike life, and immensely less miserable

I finally calmed myself from his abuse and looked up to him again

His eyes had turned from pitch black to deep green and I felt his shift of character as well

It was less anger and more greed, a hunger to have everything and a yelp of the unfairness when he didn’t receive it

He clenched his jaw one last time as he gazed upon my paled face

I had been his sweet haven

A place to hide from all other cruelties

A place where power emerged from his bones and shielded him like a glorious cloak of the gods

And when I could no longer offer him this shelter, he realized the cloak never made the god

Being a god made the god

And he was not one

I think I saw him cry at that final thought

Then he drifted back out of the world and the grass became green and the sky ran purple with magical flashes of orange within the clouds

I smiled up at it all

The glory of the highest

I was free from the pain, the torture, the false sense of security, the hate disguised as love

I was free, and in a way, I think so was he.