Self

Have I always annihilated my truth as I expunge its showcase as quickly as it tries to escape and reveal itself? I am empathic to a world of truth tellers, show casers of vulnerability and great continence. I view them as powerful voyagers with inspiring tales. I however, have never quite been able to see myself in such a mighty graceful light. I dismantle my accomplishments as I unravel the dark folds of my mind which consume endlessly and criticize harshly despite my pure rejections of that voice's fallacies. I convert my light heart to disgust and shame when I look towards myself, as if I wasn’t the same well mannered, imperfect, yet beautiful human wandering about the Earth. I disguise myself as unworthy, as manipulated by my own fears and shadowed into the thick darkness by the shame packed utterances I scream at myself. I disgrace my own experiences whilst listening to others with kindness and compassion, offering forgiveness in a way I’ve never offered to myself.

I reach out desperately ravaged by my own failure to commend myself. I am unaware of my power in these meaningless spirals. I disturb my mind with dark grievances and concerns of perfection and it devastates my soul, ripping apart every single piece of me bit by bit, until I lose all composure and wish I wasted away in the Earth. I design my own prison. I build each thick wall, brick by brick until I’m closed into my warped mind, hearing echoes all around me of how horrible I truly am. My gaze seems to flare at the sight of me, despite all previous efforts to maintain the truthful spirit of how wonderful, passionate, kind, and real I am. I tend to eradicate my history of grand accomplishments, my sheer will and encouragement to push through everyday and try again. I seem to disparage my legacy of love, my ability to harness empathic feelings, my awareness to the world, my curiousity in knowledge. I lose all sophistication in an instant, as I fall into a slight oblivion that parishes my true intentions and drowns me in a hypnotic landscape of what I should be, rather than all I already am.

I cannot continue to dismantle my truths. My experiences and accomplishments can echo just as loud and clear as the falsified impositions that sift through the cracks in my mind and melt me into a puddle of mudd. I can be emboldened instead of transfixed on beliefs that have simply been perpetuated and fed into my mind subtly and dangerously since I was socialized as a young girl. My constant meltdowns are short feature films, depicting generations of women told of all they are not, rather than introduced to the fact that as we come is just good enough. We never had to be more. The crushing weight that makes us feel inadequate, as if we must change, as if we must compel ourselves to be what society feels we should be. Our hearts drive us elsewhere and the truth of the world separates us quite thoroughly from any pressing standards. They are unattainable lies. We deserve the truth. We are enough. Our stories are real, our experiences cannot be dismantled, belittled, or made out as nothing at all. Our accomplishments and successes cannot be passed over, dismissed, or suppressed. We must acknowledge ourselves, big and bold, powerful--impassioned. Our victories cannot be taken away by ourselves, by others, by anyone. We must hold our great heights as wonderfully astounding as they are. Suppression has no place in a house of love, in a house of acceptance. We deserve to receive total nourishment, total freedom to be our true selves, and total admission to vulnerability without a price of pain. We’re unheard by society, we cannot be unheard by ourselves. If we continue to listen to the voices in our head, mitigated by society's disgusting longings, we discourage the beauty unheard and untold by us. We discourage the legacy of our lives. We discourage our womanhood at the feet of shitty standards that we never believed in to begin with. But we can break free. We must find ourselves on the other side of our prison walls, building harsh bricks around societal standards as we live freely inside our body without a torrential downpour of torturing emotions and feelings of inadequecy.